Real relationships hurt
We use the phrase often, but what exactly does 'relational youth work' mean? Becky Coster unpacks the phrase and questions the cost of having meaningful relationships with young people.
If planning the arrival of God as man on planet Earth was down to me, it may have included a grand stadium tour, plenty of flashing lights, massive bass speakers and a worldwide advertising campaign. Thankfully it was not left to me. Instead, 'the Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighbourhood,' (John 1:14, The Message).
For God, it has always been about relationship. He created Adam to live in relationship with Him and when that, and the relationship between God and humanity were broken, He paid the ultimate price for its restoration. So when Jesus came to Earth, it was not to begin His world tour, but rather to spend time with people. Yes, there were times of teaching, of preaching, of miracle performing and of healing, and sometimes it was in front of great crowds, but the majority of His three-year ministry was spent living alongside a strange assortment of 12 men and a few other close friends.
With this in mind, it really is no wonder that the thing humans crave most is a meaningful relationship; it's the way we were created. And in a society where so few relationships last, we have the opportunity to create relationships of real value. Think about the young people down your street, on your estate or in your village. How many of them come from 'broken families'? How many crave a relationship with an adult who is going to stick around? Paul Fenton, director of Youth Inclusion for Oasis Trust says, 'I refuse to believe you can be a part of meaningful youth work without forming relationships.' We have the opportunity to provide the relationships that young people are looking for. But perhaps before we put up the 'relationships r u' banner, we need to understand what it is we are committing to.
Relational youth ministry
I am beginning to wish I had bought the rights to the term 'relational youth ministry.' The phrase is used so often, relational youth ministry(tm) could have made somebody a lot of money. But the truth is, rather than making anyone a small fortune, relational youth ministry costs. It costs a lot.
The problem is, generally speaking, we prefer catchy phrases to 'cost' and we are in danger of misunderstanding relational youth ministry as we use it to describe pretty much everything we do, from the hour-a-week youth group to the annual community fun day. Please don't misunderstand me; I'm not knocking weekly youth groups or community fun days, they are both really valuable tools, but is that really where relational youth work happens?
'One of the reasons that the term relational is used so much, but the actual ministry is practiced so little, is because it is messy, and unquantifiable, and expensive in terms of money and time and energy, and so long term,' says Tony Stephen, a full-time youth worker from Aberdeenshire. 'It happens while hanging about before the meeting starts, or after it finishes, it happens over coffee round a kitchen table, or while bumping into someone in the supermarket. It happens when a leader sends you a good wishes card before an exam, or offers you a lift to your driving test. It happens when a leader asks you to baby-sit, or help them with a shopping trip. It happens when a leader tells you that they find it hard to pray too, and that they can't always find Amos in the Bible. It happens when year after year a leader remains truly interested in them, whether they always come to the group, or not, whether they behave in the meeting or not.'
If relational youth work is about meeting up for a coffee and shopping trips then where is the great cost (unless you have expensive shopping trips!)? I am not suggesting that every moment you spend with your young people should be a time of great pain and suffering. If that were true, I doubt your young people would want to spend too much time with you. The reality is that a lot of what we do is just about living our lives alongside people and 'moving into the neighbourhood.' But sometimes it takes more. Sometimes we need to go a bit deeper, and be prepared to get hurt along the way.
It takes time...
'How would we judge a parent who only spent an hour or two each week with their children? Let's be honest. At best we would not be very impressed and at worst we would report them to social services. It's time for a reality check. If we want to develop significant and meaningful relationships we need to invest a very precious commodity: our time,' (G. Smith, 2004:18).
As I said earlier, I am not out to knock the hour-a-week youth group. It's a vital part of the youth ministry I am involved in, but it should not be our only youth work. Perhaps this is where it is helpful to remember that we are human beings and not human doings. The measure of a relationship is not about what you do together, but rather who you are together. So if we want to grow our relationships, perhaps adding more to our programmes is not the way to go. If we are to build truly effective relationships with our young people, it has to be about the life we live 24-7, rather than the hour we give between 8 o'clock and 9 o'clock on Fridays, except in the school holidays when we have a break.
'It's easy to love them for two hours a week,' says Ruth Lacey, an Eden worker from the Swinton Valley Eden project, Manchester, 'but when you're living among them, you have to demonstrate that love.' Following the hugely successful Message 2000 project on the Swinton Valley estate, The Message Trust planted an 'Eden' youth project there in partnership with a new church planted at the same time. Now, Eden's staff and volunteers, along with other members of the church live on the estate in order to demonstrate that love to their neighbours day after day.
Sure, there is a need for 'time-out.' In the gospels, we read more than once of Jesus 'retreating from the crowd.' It helps us to stay healthy, refreshed and to keep our own relationship with God in check, but are we closer to one hour a week or living it full-time? Maybe we do need to check the balance between our time 'on' and our time 'off.'
Keeping your distance
Is there such a thing as professional distance in relational youth ministry? 'It depends how much impact you want to have on their lives,' says Ruth Lacey.
Much has been said of the role we play as youth leader. We're a parent, we're not their parent; we're a 'spiritual parent,' we're a friend, they have their own friends. You'd be forgiven for getting a bit confused - I am. Perhaps we're so afraid of stepping on someone else's toes by taking over their role that we don't know where to stand, so we keep our distance. Or perhaps we are spending too much time thinking about what we do, we have not had the time to work out who we are. 'You are whatever they need in their life to get them closer to God,' says Ruth Lacey. If they need someone to stand close by, then maybe we should be more willing to be that person.
In for the long haul
I remember recently laughing my way through a long list of those 'how many does it take to change a light bulb?' jokes, with punch lines varying from denominations forming committees to praying for the power to return to the light bulb. But then I reached a line that was a bit too true to be funny: How many youth leaders does it take to change a light bulb? Answer - no youth leader stays around long enough to need to change it. Ouch. No, we are not known for our longevity. This is not the time or place to consider all the reasons why this is the case, but we do need to consider the effect this has on our young people.
Ruth Lacey tells of her experiences in Salford with young people who are so used to their parents walking in and out of their lives that they expect people to leave. We don't all live or work in an inner city council estate, but this scenario is played out in towns, cities and villages up and down the country. One of the best things we can offer people is a stable relationship and the only way to develop close, open relationships is to stay around for a while, rather than becoming another figure that appears in their life for only a moment.
When they reject you
You spend years giving all you can to a young person. You teach them, protect them and help them grow, and then one day they are gone. Does this sound familiar? It is nothing new. Doesn't this scenario set the scene for the story of the prodigal son? Now, if we are not careful, we could use this as an excuse to hide the times when we almost help them out of the door. We are not actively encouraging our young people to leave, but neither do we force them to stay. Rather we should be standing by that window, praying for their return.
Sometimes, the rejection is not so final, or even seemingly final. Many are so used to people (often parents) walking out on them, that they find their own way of dealing with rejection. They get in there first, either by rejecting you completely, or by putting you to the test. Our unconditional love and acceptance of them seems so unlikely, that they want to push you to the limits, giving you the chance to fail, before they get too close. This is when the long term work matters. To tell a young person that you will stay around is one thing, but to still be there years later, after they have hurt you, pushed you away and made it really hard to love them is quite another.
